150 Ways To Annoy the Hell Out of Captain America
by IceDynamiteDragonflyStars
Summary: Your official guide to the rules of The Avengers Facility, brought to you by the one and only Captain America. After the events of Age of Ultron, Tony Stark is bored. And there's no better way to pass the time than trolling Steve Rogers. (And the others too, of course!) [Previously known as '150 Things I am Absolutely Banned From Doing in the Avengers Tower.]
1. Chapter 1: How It Started

**Hello peeps! And welcome to my first ever Avengers fic!** **This is a complete ripoff of something on the Percy Jackson fandom, but the author said you could use the idea, so, uh, yeah. I honestly have no idea how this will turn out, really. And a few things before we start: One, I haven't seen the second Captain America movie, and so have no idea of what Sam Wilson is like, and so he will not be in this chapter. However, I plan to see the movie this weekend, and he should be included in the next. Two: I am a rabid Scarlet Vision shipper. Like, insane OTP syndrome. Three: I am not currently using my normal computer, and may make mistakes because the keyboard is different. It will be back to normal next update. Four: I am aware that Tony, Clint and Thor left the Avengers. Pretend they didn't. Bruce is still lost.**

Steve sat at the kitchen table, frowning. This had gone on too lomg. Tony had completely taken taken advantage of the Avengers Facility's lack of rules, and was trolling everyone relentlessly. And it was getting annoying. In the past weekhe had been wasabi'd, frisbee'd and locked in a closet (Among other things). And so here he was, at five in the morning, in the kitchen eating a pear and writing a list of the stupidest rules ever created by man, (And giving examples of when they were created, to prove to other possible future Avengers, and other random visitors to the facility he wasn't being a paranoid idiot, and this stuff actually happened.) or woman, or god, or android, or... You get the idea. He picked up his blue pen, and started to write in a rather nice cursive:

 **Things You Are Absolutely Banned From Doing In The Avengers Facility (This is for you, Tony.)**

 **Rule 1: Do not replace the filling of Thor's poptarts with wasabi.**

Thor walked into the kitchen. He was hungry; training had taken a lot out of him. Steve made them run five laps of the field surrounding the Facility as training. His legs were all achy. (It was a big field, okay!) He could really use some poptarts right about now. He grabbed the box, opened it and pulled out a pink-iced (frosted, for you Americans out there) tart. He took a huge bite, chewed, and _wait a second._ This wasn't strawberry filling! Then the full 'wasabi effect' kicked in. Thor screamed, clutching his face. "My nose! It _burns_!"

The other Avengers walked in, curious to see what was happening. They found Thor clutching his nose and screaming that it burned. Tony barely supressed a snigger, but held it back. Wouldn't want anyone to suspect him. Meanwhile, Thor was staring at his tart suspiciously. "What is this green substance? It is not strawberry filling!"

Steve walked over. He took the tart from Thor, frowning slightly. Maybe it was just a lime one? It was common knowledge that Thor didn't like lime. He curiously took a bite... And reacted the exact same way, screaming and running around the kitchen. What _was_ this monstrosity of food? Natasha sighed and walked over, grabbing the poptart and looking at it curiously. "Guys? Somebody filled the poptart with wasabi."

She was met with two completely blank looks. "What?" Steve looked utterly baffled.

"It's a kind of Japanese sauce. You put it on sushi."

The two just looked more confused. "What is this 'sushi' you speak of?" asked Thor.

"It's a food. From Japan, which is a country here on Earth. I suppose it wouldn't be in Asgard, and seeing as America was in the middle of a war with Japan in the 40s, I guess their food wouldn't be too popular then either."

Steve nodded. "Alright, listen up! The first rule of the Avengers Facility: All wasabi is banned from the property, and will not come within a kilometre of the place! Also, I will find whoever did this and I... Have no idea, but I'll think of something!" He gave Tony an evil, suspicious look.

Tony grinned. This was going well.

 **Rule 2: Captain America's shield is not a Frisbee, and will not be used as such.**

Steve walked into his room. There was nothing like a little training before lunch. He was planning to grab Vision and see if his mind-stone-laser-thing could destroy it. Vision had done some calculations and was pretty certain it couldn't, so Steve was fairly confident his beloved weapon wouldn't be blasted into oblivion. He walked towards the cupboard where he usually kept it, and found it completely empty. He knew who had done this. Oh, yes. He ran downstairs and found Thor.

"Thor! Have you seen Tony?"

Thor nodded. "Indeed I have. He and Clint are in the training room downstairs."

Steve muttered something angry under his breath and walked off. He took the elevator down to floor -2 and there he found Clint and Tony. Clint was holding the shield, and flung it towards Tony. It glided perfectly, like a really good Frisbee. Tony caught it easily. Steve stormed in. "What are you doing?!"

Tony gave him a look. "Frisbee. _Obviously._ "

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose in aggravation. "Second rule of the Avengers Facility: _Nobody_ uses my shield as a frisbee."

 **Rule Three: Do not play 'Black Widow' by Iggy Azalea every time Natasha walks into the room.**

Natasha strolled into the sitting room. Sam and Rhodey were playing Scrabble in the corner. Tony was doing something on his phone. Suddenly, music started up.

 _I'm_ _gonna love you_

 _Until you hate me_

 _Now I'm gonna show you_

 _What's really crazy_

 _You shoulda known better_

 _Than to mess with me harder_

 _I'm gonna love you_

 _Gonna love you_

 _Gonna love you_

 _Like a black widow baby_

The same thing happened for the next three days. Every time Natasha walked into a room that Tony was also in, The song would play on a loop until she left. And boy, was it _annoying._ Finally, she walked into the kitchen at three a.m. to grab a drink. There, in front of the sink, was Tony. And, as usual, the song started.

 _I'm gonna love you_

 _Unti-_

Natasha threw a vase at Tony's head.

Tony did not attempt this again.

 **Rule Four: The Vision is not Tony's child and will not be referred to as Tony jr.**

Tony sat at the kitchen table, facing Steve. Steve glanced at his watch. "Hey, Tony?"

"Yeeeeesss?" he replied, drawing out the 'yes'.

"It's nearly time for training, can you grab Rhodey, Natasha, Thor and Vision? I'll get everyone else."

"Sure," replied Tony. This was the perfect time to continue his trolling. So he called Rhodey, Natasha and Thor, before making his way up to Vision's room. The android was sitting on his bed reading something. (Tony didn't know _why_ he needed a bed, the guy didn't exactly sleep, but he had one anyway.) "Hey, Tony jr?"

Vision looked up, frowning slightly. "Sorry?"

"Well, Tony jr, Cap wants you downstairs for training?"

"Why are you referring to me as Tony jr, exactly?"

"Well, I have come to the conclusion that, as Ultron and I created you, you are therefore, sort of, my child. And I've always wanted to name a kid after me."

"I am sorry, Mr Stark, but that is not my name. Perhaps if you created a new AI system you could name it after yourself. Or you could alternatively have an actual child." And with that he levitated out the door. And shot a laser at Tony's head just so he got the point. (Steve groaned, remembering how much he had to pay to fix that wall.)

Tony scowled. "Oh, fine, I won't call you Tony jr. But don't think this is over! I shall nickname you yet!" Then the two of them went downstairs to train.

 **Rule Five: Wanda is not an actual witch; therefore do not buy her a broom, pointy hat and a cat.**

Wanda sat at the kitchen table, eating toast, trying not to crash in her cereal bowl like she did five minutes ago. (She was tired.) Suddenly, Tony burst in dramatically. Wanda looked up. "Good morning."

"Wanda! Here, to congratulate you on your new hero name, I got you something." Wanda sighed. This was going to go badly. She could tell. Tony grinned almost evilly. She would have used telekinesis to figure out what he was doing, but she was too tired. Tony grabbed a bag she hadn't noticed before from the corner. He grabbed the contents and flung them on the table. It was a pointy black hat with a red ribbon and a broomstick. Then he dashed out and returned with a cat box. It was squeaking suspiciously. So _that_ was the weird noise that had kept her up all night. Tony placed it on the table, opened it, and out walked, of all things, a cat. It was black, green-eyed and short. Very short.

Wand stood up and walked out of the kitchen. "I'm going back to bed."

"Aw, c'mon! Can you at least name him?"

"No."

"I'll pay for his food!"

"I am not keeping him."

"Pleeasse?" The cat added a miaow for effect. Wanda sighed. He _was_ cute. (The cat, to clarify. Not Tony.) And if Tony was paying... And really, she was too tired to argue.

"Fine."

Tony grinned. "So, what'll you call him?"

Wanda regarded him for a second. "Calvin." She picked him up, starting to walk away. " _Now_ I am going to bed. And no, I will not, under any circumstances, ever wear that hat. Or use the broom."

Tony shrugged. It had gone surprisingly well. He hadn't gotten terrifying revenge hallucinations or milk dumped on his head using telekinesis. He did, however, get the pointy hat instead. And now he had to pay for cat food for the forseeable future.

Dammit.

 **Rule Six: Do not lock the Avengers in a closet.**

Steve strolled down the hallway, whistling some random tune. The last thing he was expecting was to feel the smack of a frying pan smashing into his head. But he did. He was just able to register extreme annoyance before everything went all dark.

When he opened his eyes again, everything was still dark. However, he could hear breathing. He was leaning against something that felt like wood, and something that felt like clothes was brushing against his face. It was also very cramped. There were bodies squished up against his.

" Hello? Anyone awake?" he asked.

"Yes." That sounded like Thor. From that Steve figured it was Thor, and that he was one of the three bodies he was surrounded by.

"And me." Sam, who he was not pressed against. "Anyone know where the heck we are?"

"It appears to be Tony's closet." (Vision.)

"Whoever is touching my butt, stop it." (Natasha.)

"My hand is being squashed by Steve. I would move it if I could." (Wanda)

"Sorry." (Steve.)

"So, how the hell are we getting out of Tony's closet? Anyone got any weapons?" (Rhodey.)

Everyone discovered that their weapons had been taken by Tony before he stuffed them in the closet. Damn it.

Clint gave the door an experimental kick. It vibrated a bit, but nothing major happened. "Locked," he muttered, irritated.

"Well," answered Steve," What if we all kicked it? I mean, everyone who can, and won't hurt anyone else while doing it."

And so they did. It took a while, but the door eventually gave way with a very satisfying splintering noise. They all tumbled out, before going off to remove the splinters the pieces of closet had made. It was a rather painful afternoon. But the pain of splinters was nothing to what Tony felt when he had to pay $4,500 to replace his mahogany vintage closet. Not to mention all the suits, and $300 in medical bills after several Avengers ended up in A&E having to get splinters removed. And he had to buy cat food too.

 **Rule Seven: Do not show Thor Nyan Cat.**

Thor stared at the computer screen. A grey cat with a poptart for a body was flying through space, trailing a rainbow. "What is this?! It appears to be the Earth creature known as 'cat', but it has a tart of pop as a body! And it is using the rainbow bridge to travel to Asgard!" he gasped. "It is a demon! Do not fear, people of Asgard, I, Thor, son of Odin, shall save you!" He pulled out Mjolnir and smashed the computer. (Steve had too pay for that too.)

 **Rule Eight: Do** **not make a fake Mjolnir and trick Thor into thinking you've lifted it.**

Tony cackled like Dr. Frankenstein. He had succeeded. After many minutes of work, he had created a perfect replica of Mjolnir, made of normal earth wood and metal, very lightweight and liftable. He swaggered down to the training room, hiding behind a pot plant so Thor would not see him. He would be finished training in a second. Tony watched as he strolled down the corridor, Mjolnir-less. He waited until he had gone, before checking the training room to make sure it was there and that Vision didn't have it. The hammer was sitting innocently on a table. Tony didn't think hammers could look innocent, but Mjolnir pulled it off rather well. Tony, grasping the replica, turned around and dashed down the hall to catch up with Thor.

"Thor!" he called.

"Yes?"

"You forgot this." Tony handed him fake Mjolnir.

That is how Thor ended up in A&E for the second time that week after fainting and knocking his head against the floor as an added injury bonus. Tony had to pay for those medical bills too. (Thor was fine and made a full recovery.)

 **Rule Nine: Do not hide everyone's deodorant.**

Training was finished. Everyone was tired, sweaty and hungry. They all decided to just change clothes, probably put on deodorant, then have dinner before having an actual wash. Steve looked through his drawer, before discovering something horrifying: all his deodorant was gone. He put his shirt on, before going around the rooms to see if anyone had borrowed it. (Which was gross, but he had triple-checked his own room and couldn't think of anything else that might have happened to it.) As it turned out, everyone else's had 'mysteriously' disappeared as well. Tony had gone downstairs to order pizza (Because it was his turn to cook, and he could not cook if his life depended on it.), so everyone had no choice but to go down and confront him about it.

Tony was innocently eating a slice of hawaiian pizza at the table. "Oh, hey." He frowned slightly. "You guys smell kinda sweaty. No offense or aything. Did you all lose your deodorant or something?"

The next day he found that his had mysteriously gotten lost as well. And that nobody had it. And that it had been sent to an obscure Pacific island. And that nobody would lend him theirs.

 **Rule Ten: Do not cover the floor of Wanda's room with cups of water. It makes sense in context. Really.**

Tony crept into Wanda's room, looking in. She was asleep, conveniently. Outside he had one of those machines that hold water and plastic cups. He crept in, holding two full cups of water in each hand, placing them on the ground by the bed, praying she wouldn't wake up. Wanda wasn't known for sleeping particularly well. Today luck was on his side, however, and he managed to cover the entire floor with cups of water, with absolutely no room between them. Now for phase two. He quietly opened the closet door and snuck in. Now the waiting began. He looked through the keyhole. This would take timing that would only work if he could see what was happening.

Wanda woke up about half an hour later. She yawned. She'd slept better than usual last night. She sat up, yawned again, and swung her feet out of bed. They came into contact with something wet and plastic-y. She frowned, conjuring a ball of red sparks which dimly lit the room. The floor was covered in plastic cups, all full of water. _Stark..._ She would get him back for this later. Now, she had to get these cups out of her room, and into... Somewhere. Maybe the bath. Then she could get rid of them. She shut her eyes, gathering her concentration. The cups glowed with red energy, floating towards the ceiling like lanterns or traffic lights or something. Suddenly, Tony burst out of the closet.

"BOO!"

Wanda jumped, concentration breaking. The cups tumbled to the ground, splashing her and Tony, seeping in through the floorboards.

In the room below, Steve was awoken by something dripping through the ceiling onto his face. Using telekinesis to lift cups of water, and using cups of water to prank people, was forever banned from the Avengers Facility.

* * *

 **Ta-daaaaaah! I hope you enjoyed, and please review.**


	2. Chapter 2: Yet More Spicy Food

**Guess who's updating?**

 **Well, if you guessed something other than 'IceDynamiteDragonflyStars', please return to preschool/kindergarten. Anyway, thanks to everybody who reviewed, followed or favourited, it is all much appreciated.**

 **I do not own Marvel, and any resemblance to any persons, alive or dead, is purely coincidental. Unless, of course, those people happen to be Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Don Cheadle, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Bettany or Anthony McKee, in which case the resemblance should be _striking,_ because if it isn't, I'm writing my descriptions wrong.**

* * *

 **11: Do not tell Thor it is 'National Randomly Hug People Day'.**

Tony rushed up to Thor and wrapped his arms around him. Thor gave him a very confused look. "Man of Iron, what is the meaning of this?" Tony stepped back, looking up at the god in (fake) bewilderment.

"Haven't you heard?"

"Have I not heard what?" Tony gave him a look of even deeper (and faker) bewilderment.

"Excuse me, I was under the impression that _everyone_ had heard."

Thor stared at him. "Tell me!"

"It's National Randomly Hug People Day! You go around and hug everyone you can find and raise money."

"I was not aware of this. However, I shall proceed to randomly hug people from now on!"

And that is how, twelve hours later, Clint, Wanda and Sam were admitted to hospital with broken ribs after being hug-tackled by Thor, along with Vision losing a finger after it was bent awkwardly (he reattached it, it was fine), and Natasha had second-degree burns after Thor hugged her while she was holding a mug of hot coffee.

Thor was banned from hugging forever.

 **12:** **Telepathy and pickles should never, _ever_ mix.**

Tony pulled on the lid of a pickle jar. Nothing happened. He glared at it and tried again. Nothing. He twisted with all his might. _Nada._ He got his Iron Man suit and tried again to loosen the lid, which stubbornly refused to budge. Tony bet that in its (nonexistent) mind, that pickle jar lid was laughing at him. He looked at it in despair. What would he put in his sandwich now?! However, he had one last backup plan.

"WAAAANNNDAAAAAAAA?!" He yelled in the vague direction of her room, which she may or may not have been in. (Even if she wasn't, the whole building could hear him at that volume.) Wanda appeared in the kitchen about five minutes later.

"Hello."

"Wanda, thank _god_ you're here." Wanda raised an eyebrow. "I can't get this pickle jar open."

Wanda facepalmed. "You could not do it yourself?"

"No! It's terrible!" Tony yelled, rather dramatically. "I need you to telepath it open. Please? I'll share them."

Wanda sighed. "Alright."

Tony's smile would not have looked out of place on a four-year-old being offered a pack of free jellies. "Thank you!"

Wanda focused her energy on the jar, twisting the lid slowly...

It exploded. The kitchen smelled like vinegar for a week.

 **13: The Vision is not a tomato. Really.**

Vision sat down at the kitchen table with a bowl of tomato soup. It was his all-time favourite soup. He was just about to eat it when Tony burst in, dramatically pointing a finger at the android.

"CANNIBAL!" He then went on to rant about why you must never, _ever,_ eat another of your species.

Vision eventually got tired of trying to explain that, even though he was read with some green bits, he was not a tomato, then being interrupted mid-sentence. He floated through the wall, taking his soup with him. Unfortunately (shocking as it is), soup cannot willingly alter its density and ended up just smashing into the wall. Predictably, the bowl broke and soup got all over the floor.

From then on, he just made toast.

 **14: Do not criticise Steve's baking.**

Everyone was sitting in the living room, watching _Star Wars_ and eating one of Steve's cakes.

Sam grabbed another slice. "This is a really good cake."

Tony chewed his piece critically. "I don't know. It's kinda dry."

Tony spent the next few days in the Medical Wing with a broken arm.

 **15: Do not give everyone a ship name with Nick Fury, no matter how funny the results.**

Tony sat in the corner of the living room, writing very intently in an Iron Man Stationary Set® notebook. Sam Wilson passed by. "Hey, what'cha doing, Tony?"

Tony remained silent for a second, tapping his pen against his bottom lip thoughtfully. "Hmmmm... Sick. Or Fam? Nah. Sick." Sam, puzzled, walked off.

Next was Steve and Rhodey. Tony looked both up and down. "Stick. Definitely Stick. Aaaaannnnnnddd... Rick. Yeah." Steve walked off to search the phone book for the numbers of local psychiatrists, asylums and Pepper. Rhodey quietly followed.

After was Thor, Vision and Wanda. Tony decided on Thick (Thor had thought he was referring to him, and Tony narrowly escaped a hammer to the head), Vick, and Wick (Wanda and Vision had just looked confused.) After that Click (a mine of puns, that one) and Romanofury. (Other, more sane ship names were deemed too boring.)

Tony spent the next few days being examined by both Pepper and a psychiatrist, but it was worth it.

 **17: Do not replace Clint's bed with a giant** **nest.**

Clint was having a normal, functional day, with nothing weird or unusual or strange whatsoever. He honestly should have seen something like this coming. He had pushed open the door to his room, wanting nothing more than to flop face-first into bed, when he realized there was no bed. In the middle of the room was a large pile of sticks. A nest. And on the nest was a note. the note said:

 _Hey, Birdbrain._

 _I got you a gift. I thought you'd feel more 'at home' in it._

 _XX_

 _Tony._

Clint was not amused. He threw his note in the bin, and sat down in the chair beside his bed-nest-steaming like a vegetable. He would get revenge for this.

* * *

Tony was tired. He had had a long day. He pulled open the door to his room, ready to lie down in bed and watch 'funny meme' videos. But there was already somebody in his bed. Clint was lying on his stomach, sprawled out and taking up as much space as possible. Tony glared at him. Clint snored loudly. _He took my bed. He is sleeping in my_ freaking bed. Now Tony was the angry one.

The nest was removed the next day and Clint's bed was brought back.

 **18: Do not replace the orange juice with Tabasco sauce.**

It was eight A.M., and the Avengers were eating breakfast. Steve looked up from his cereal. "Hey, guys, I think we have some orange juice in the fridge. Anybody want some?" Everyone except Tony nodded, so Steve poured out nine glasses. He thought the juice looked suspiciously reddish, but dismissed it. He handed the glasses around and everyone took a sip. Tony pulled out his phone and pressed 'video'.

Thor drained his glass in one gulp. He was also first to notice the extreme spiciness. He took a deep breath to try and cool his burning mouth, but to his dismay it only made it slightly worse. He did have experience with spicy food thanks to the Wasabi Incident, as the Internet had dubbed it. He was already suspecting Tony as the cause of this. Around him, the other Avengers noticed there was something off about the 'juice', before the burning kicked in. Some chugged glasses of water, others ran to the freezer to get ice cubes. One or two poured themselves glasses of milk. Tony just sat at the table, legs propped on Steve's now-vacant chair, filming the utter chaos around him. Within fifteen minutes the video was up on YouTube. Within fifteen hours it had gained over 100,000 hits.

Tony was unsurprised (but not pleased) to find random spicy food in every meal he ate for the next week and a half.

 **19: Do not hack the TV so it only plays reruns of Dora.**

"TOOOONYYYYYY?!" Steve's voice echoed down the corridor. Tony, who was playing Minecraft Hunger Games, looked up for a split second, and was promptly killed by some guy with a diamond sword and, ironically, an Iron Man skin. He sighed and pocketed his phone.

"YEEEEEEESSSSSS?!"

"THE TV'S NOT WORKING!" Tony grinned. That morning, before the others were awake, he had hacked the television so it only played reruns of Dora, and only he could change it back. He jogged down the corridor to the TV room. He poked his head through the door. Steve twisted around from his position sitting on the couch. "The TV isn't working. It won't play anything that isn't Dora." Tony pretended to closely examine the television.

"I don't know what's wrong. I think the satellite might be out. It'll probably be back to normal tomorrow." That situation repeated itself five more times (with different people). Tony was very pleased with himself.

* * *

Sam switched on the TV. He, Wanda and Vision were planning to have a Harry Potter marathon. It automatically showed Dora, for some reason. He shrugged. Maybe someone had been watching something else on that channel earlier. However, when he tried to switch to the DVD player, nothing happened. He turned to Vision. "Hey, man, what's wrong with the TV? It won't play anything except Dora." Wanda frowned.

"I think Steve said something about a faulty satellite earlier." Sam nodded and turned to Vision.

"Hey, can you do that mind-internet thingy to check it out? Would it work with a satellite?" Vision nodded and concentrated in silence for a few minutes.

"All television satellites currently being used by the Avengers facility seem to be in perfect order. However, the television set itself does seem to have been hacked."

"Who would do that, though?" Asked Wanda.

Vision raised an eyebrow. "Take a wild guess."

It was at that moment that the other Avengers came in, Tony included. "Hey," said Rhodey. "Is the TV working yet?"

Sam shook his head. "Vision says it's been hacked."

Every head turned to Tony. He did the smart thing and ran off as fast as he possibly could.

 **20: Do not resurrect Pietro Maximoff...**

The lab was eerily dark. In the middle of the room was a table, and on that table was a sheet. The shape of a human body was visible underneath the sheet. Suddenly, three figures entered, one leading, one pushing a large box and one floating lazily a few inches off the ground. The leader fumbled along the wall for a light switch, finding it after much tripping over and cursing. He surveyed his partners. "So, gentlemen. Today we attempt the impossible: Reversing death. Thor, got the Cradle?" Thor gestured to the newly-repaired machine. "Vision, do you have the mind stone?"

"Yes. It is still here, in my face, right between my eyes. I am pretty sure it isn't missing."

"Okay, no need to be all sarcastic. So," Tony grinned, looking a _lot_ like a mad scientist. "Let's begin."

* * *

 **And I have updated! I started this chapter in _June,_ dammit. Anyway, Pietro shall make his appearance in the next chapter. **

**And as always: Have a nice day.**

 **Well done if you got the above reference.**

 **Also, how do y'all feel about Stony? I personally don't have particularly strong feelings about it (I don't have very strong feelings about many MCU ships, really. Except ScarletVision. And ships that contradict ScarletVision. NOBODY messes with my OTP.), but I'll add it in if I get enough requests.**


	3. Chapter 3: Random Hijinks Ensue

**Guess who's back? Pietro! And me! Woot woot! Exclamation points! Anyway, I started secondary, and it's really eating away at my time. As is Hetalia. In fact, in the last few weeks I've just sorta disintegrated into a mess of homework and OTP wars. Hell, I've got OTP civil wars going on right now. (FrUK or USUK? Or AmeriBela? Etc.) And I got DeviantArt. It's awesome. If ya'll are interested, my name's IcyDragonfly, I'm gonna change it to TatianaTheLemon though. And yes, I post Avengers fanarts. I also agreed to draw a Hetalia chibi for every country in the world cup (both canon characters and not) for our family betting thing we do whenever there's an international sports tournament. I'm looking forward to it.**

 **And that's literally a summary of my life recently. Boring, no?**

 **Credit to all who reviewed. And, thanks to popular demand, Stony's staying out of the picture.**

 **And finally, GIGANTIC thank you to SofiaSapphire, who came up with a good half of these ideas. I'll publish that crossover soon, K? ;P**

* * *

 **Rule 21: Steve ≠ Alfred F. Jones and therefore cannot be bribed with burgers.**

"What are you doing?"

"Uhhhh... I had this thing..."

"At three a.m.?"

"Yeah."

"What?"

"Erm, well, the thing is, Steve, I can't tell you."

"Tony."

"Yes?"

"Is that a water balloon? Filled with whipped cream?"

"HEY LOOK A HAMBURGER!"

* * *

~~~~~~~A FEW HOURS LATER~~~~~~~

"Dammit. I thought someone this... American couldn't resist hamburgers."

"You watch too much anime."

"You're just mad they didn't include Sokovia."

"I'm mad that we're on cleaning duty for the next three weeks."

"It was worth it."

"No it wasn't."

 **22: The following events should never happen again. Just... Never.**

Steve sighed, sitting back. He enjoyed watching the news; it gave him better understanding of how life was in the 21st century. He did not expect to see the face of Tony Stark fill the screen.

"So, I am here to make a very important announcement: The world is ending. The infinity stone is proving to be too much for the puny ball of magma we call home, and as I would like to feel happy in my last few hours, I am open to any gifts you might want to send. I accept food and other awesome things. Bye."

Steve stared at the screen in outrage. When Stark came back from Malibu, he would have a _lot_ of explaining to do.

* * *

Steve sighed in content. He was out for a jog to try and relieve the stress of (gullible) people sending gifts for Tony, as well as the other Avengers. So far there was:

Food (pasta, pickles, cakes, sweets, sandwiches and a rather creepy cake with Natasha's face iced onto it)

A set of ladies' underwear (addressed to Rhodey)

A rigged parcel filled with plastic explosive (they'd only just detected that one in time)

A live guinea pig.

Steve was constantly dreading what would be in the next parcel. At least it would bring Tony down a notch when he stored them all in his room...

 **23: Goats are officially banned from the facility.**

Tony grinned as he twisted the camera to face him. "So today, we're continuing the '150 ways to annoy the eff outta Cap series. Our prank this evening is that we're putting a goat in his shower. And if it works well, every room in the facility. No goats were harmed in the making of this video. We hope."

And with that, he placed the camera in the shower, where Steve hopefully wouldn't see it, before leading the goat (he'd named it 'Denny') into the room and shutting the door.

* * *

Steve walked into the shower, rubbing the sweat off his face with a towel. he turned on the water, and was just adjusting the temperature when he realised he wasn't alone. his first thought was, of course: _Tony... What has he done now?_

Then he noticed the goat. It was smallish, with stubby little horns and brown-and-white patched fur. Under any other circumstances, it would have been cute. (Or not. Steve probably wouldn't have been happy to see it in his bed. Or in the helicarrier during the apocalypse. The list goes on, but we don't have time to complete it.) Right now, it was eating his flannel. Steve got out of the shower sharpish, vowing to kill Tony as he did so. (No, really. He'd done that 22 times before, but he would do it this time! It was his favourite flannel, too.)

The video got over 950,000 hits, so even though Tony had lost dessert privileges and gained cleaning duty (on top of the hours of it he already had), he was satisfied.

 **24: Hawkeye is not a bird. No, really. The 'Hawkeye Is A Bird' thing is overused. Not that Tony didn't do it anyway.**

Clint was unsurprised when he woke up in a man-sized birdcage in the facility's basement. It sounded odd, but really everyone had, at some point, joked on Twitter (And yes, only Twitter; the internet is fond of puns.) about locking him in a birdcage and feeding him seeds for a day. And, knowing the internet, he had expected somebody to do it sooner or later, although he'd been pretty convinced he could have fought them off. Which meant that one of the Avengers had done it. He mentally listed them, to try and find out who he should shoot when he busted out of here.

Steve: Not on social media. Or likely to do that anyway.

Natasha: Doubtful. Not really her style.

Thor: Not on Twitter either.

Rhodey: Suspicious...

Sam: Seeing as he was the victim of just as many bad puns, (In fact, the two had bonded over their frustration at people sending them packs of seed/frozen dead baby mice in the mail.) it was unlikely.

Wanda: Highly OOC and unlikely.

Vision: Ditto.

Pietro: _Very_ likely.

Tony: Goddammit, he would kill that &!¶€#.

But first he needed to get out of this cage. Yes, this may take a while.

 **25: Pietro cannot use his speed to fly.**

"Piiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeetrrrrroooooooooooooo?"

There was a longish pause as Pietro continued what he was doing on his computer.

"P-"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss?" Pietro interrupted what was probably just going to be his name again, drawing out the word for as long as possible, which was 'until he ran out of air and had to take a huge gasp at the end of his sentence'.

"So I did some calculations and figured that, at your speed, you might be able to fly."

He got a _very_ suspicious look as a reply.

"No, seriously." Tony started a ramble about G-Force and Terminal Velocity, as Pietro zoned out.

He sighed. "I can't run on air. No."

* * *

"Can you just try? Just off the first-floor balcony?"

"Get out of my room."

* * *

"I really think this'll work."

"Go away."

* * *

"Come on, I'm a genius."

"I don't trust you."

"Pleeeaaassseee?"

"No."

"First floor balcony. Come on. It's six feet up. And you're indestructible anyway."

"Am I?"

"Yeah. If anyone else went that fast their bones would shatter, their blood would boil, their organs would screw up and they'd explode. I doubt a fall from a few feet would even hurt."

"Oh, alright."

Which is how Pietro Maximoff ended up in hospital with a broken nose, refusing to talk to Tony for another month, and only forgave him after Tony gave him six month's worth of free candy. Which was convenient, as Pietro also happened to be the victim of Tony's next annoying miniventure.

 **26: Pietro isn't an errand boy.**

"P?"

"Yes?"

"Could you do me a favour?"

"Depends what it is."

"So I left my phone in LA when I was there on a business trip, could you run over and get it?"

"Uuuuuuuuugghhhhhhhhhhhh."

"Come on."

"You can't run for that long without collapsing."

"Please? You could make some stop offs, and I got a really high-energy energy drink for you."

"It would be shorter to just fly over."

"C'mon. I bet you 500 dollars you can't do it."

"I don't _have_ 500 dollars. But okay."

And it only went downhill from there.

"Can you go to my house and grab a pack of beer? I don't like this one."

"Can you grab the pencil sharpener I left in Texas?"

"Hey, I left my favourite Biro in Murmansk*, couldja go get it?"

All in all, Pietro had a rather bad weekend.

 **27: I will not fill Sam's underwear drawer with ants.**

Something Tony had noticed over the past few weeks was that Sam had developed a strange and irrational hatred of ants. Why? He had no idea. He'd asked, and he'd looked sort of angry with a fair bit of embarrassment and walked off. Tony figured he'd been stung or watched a horror movie or something.

And being the excellent friend he was, he decided to fill his underwear drawer with a nest of black ants. They couldn't sting, but would probably be very annoying.

Actually, who was he kidding? There was no _probably_ about this. It would be annoying.

* * *

As it turned out, Sam actually noticed the ants before he put on the underwear, which meant he did better than 99.9% of sitcom characters who got this prank pulled on them.

Tony woke up the next day to find his bed full of cream cheese.

 **28: Marines and fish are completely unrelated.**

"It's my turn to cook."

Everyone looked at Tony in surprise. He almost _never_ offered to cook, and when he did it was microwave pizza. He continued to calmly eat his cereal until everyone decided they wouldn't mind microwave pizza and continued to go about their business.

* * *

As expected, everyone got microwave pizza. Everyone, that is, except for Rhodey. Tony slid a plate over to him. On top of the plate was a raw fish. Rhodey frowned, before sliding the plate back. "You're hilarious." He grabbed a plate of pizza, avoiding Tony as he attempted to grab the plate back and give back the fish. And that was just the beginning.

* * *

Rhodey woke up to find something dangling a few inches off his face. When he turned on the light, he discovered that it was a fish mobile. He took it down, tossed it into the bin, and went to tie up Tony before he could take it further.

However, he still managed to find a stuffed Nemo toy in his bed, tuna chinks in his cereal, and a squid in his bath. When asked about it, Tony had responded: "Yeah, but I thought you were a Marine. I just wanted to make you feel more at home."

Rhodey mentally logged that onto his 'worst puns in the history of the universe ever' list.

 **29: Do not draw a 'Tony-Style' goatee on Thor while he's asleep.**

Thor yawned. It was _much too early_ to be waking up, but according to Steve, he should be dressed and downstairs in five minutes. He glanced into the mirror, looked away, realized that what he'd seen wasn't normal, did a double-take and immediately looked back. His beard was gone. And drawn on his face, in permanent marker, was a goatee. A goatee that looked exactly like Tony's. Mjolnir was in his hand faster than Pietro could run a lap of the facility. Stark was going to _pay._

 **30: Do not show Steve _Coraline._**

Steve couldn't sleep. He knew it was irrational. But he'd always wondered where that door down the corridor went. He squeezed his eyes shut. _That was just a floorboard. There's nobody outside my door._ Of course, this would be the one time there was. The door banged open, to reveal Tony. With large, black buttons stuck to his eyes.

"Hello, Steven. I'm your other Tony. I've come to take you away and keep you in my home forever... You'll stay with me, just the two of us. Every day will be an adventure... No? Oh well. I'll be waiting for you, on the other side, until you come... Buh-bye."

Steve didn't get any sleep at all that night. Modern kids' movies were terrifying.

* * *

 **I think I'll do a Halloween-themed chapter next. (Come on, you know I probably won't update for another month.) I'm looking forward to it already. *Evil laugh***

 ***Murmansk: City in Northern Russia. As any Artemis Fowl fan will tell you.**


End file.
